Roger Ebert's Brutal Takedown of This Christmas Movie
The legendary film critic delivered one of his harshest reviews ever for a holiday film that he called manipulative and phony, despite its star-studded cast including Lauren Bacall and Leslie Nielsen.
When it comes to holiday films, most moviegoers are willing to overlook certain flaws. The seasonal rush of Christmas movies that flood theaters each year typically gets a pass, even when they're not exactly cinematic gold. But Roger Ebert, the renowned film critic, didn't believe in giving any movie special treatment just because it had jingle bells in the soundtrack.
While genuinely great Christmas films are rare, a few have earned their place in cinema history. Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life" stands as perhaps the ultimate holiday classic. John McTiernan's "Die Hard" also ranks high, assuming you're willing to enter the endless debate about whether it truly qualifies as Christmas entertainment. Beyond these, the pickings get slim.
Holiday Films That Miss the Mark
Sure, audiences across different generations have embraced movies like Jon Favreau's "Elf," Robert Zemeckis' "The Polar Express," Richard Donner's "Scrooged," Chris Columbus' "Home Alone," Arnold Schwarzenegger's "Jingle All the Way," and Terry Zwigoff's "Bad Santa." These films have their fans and serve their purpose as seasonal entertainment. But calling them masterpieces of cinema? That's a stretch even the most generous critic wouldn't make.
However, there was one particular holiday film that left Ebert so disgusted he never wanted to see it again. His review of "All I Want for Christmas" was absolutely scathing, earning just half a star from the critic.
A Critic's Christmas Nightmare
"All I want for Christmas is to never see All I Want for Christmas again," Ebert wrote in his devastating review. "Here is a calculating holiday fable that is phony to its very bones; artificial, contrived, illogical, manipulative, and stupid. It's one of those movies that insults your intelligence by assuming you have no memory, no common sense, and no knowledge of how people behave when they are not in the grip of an idiotic screenplay."
The film, directed by Robert Lieberman, managed to waste a surprisingly solid cast. Lauren Bacall, a Hollywood legend, appeared in the movie alongside Leslie Nielsen, who played Santa Claus. Despite these recognizable names, critics universally panned the film, and audiences stayed away in droves.
A Plot Too Ridiculous to Believe
The story follows two children who wish for their divorced parents to get back together for Christmas. Their plan involves essentially kidnapping their mother's current fiancé and trapping him in an ice cream truck traveling from New York City to New Jersey. The predictable ending gives the kids exactly what they wanted, following the most tired formula in holiday filmmaking.
"There was not a moment of the movie I could believe," Ebert continued in his review. "Not a motivation I thought was plausible, not a plot development that wasn't imposed on us by the requirements of the plot (example: The driver of the ice cream truck has bad hearing, to explain why he can't hear the bore banging on the window behind his head). Movies like this give 'cute' a bad name."
The film represented everything wrong with lazy Christmas moviemaking – a script so formulaic that any hack writer could have produced it without breaking a sweat. Ebert's harsh criticism proved prophetic, as the movie quickly disappeared from theaters and public memory, earning nothing but coal in its Christmas stocking.